Today.

Today was the one day I didn’t want to be treated like a worthless piece of shit. But that still kinda happened. Honestly all I want is to know that I matter. That’s all. It’s not too much right? I was super excited about today all week, and I was just sad all day till now because someone else brought up my mood. And I’m going to end this day on a good note because I know that’s what I deserve is to go to sleep happy every night. As much as I want you to be the reason that happens, most of the time it’s not. I find myself going to sleep upset because of a pointless fight we have. Every day I’m just starting to not care, more and more. Better fix it before you lose me for good.

Tired

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all so overwhelming and I’m ready to give up on everything. It just feels like everything is coming down on me all at once and I don’t know how to handle it. I just don’t know what to do..

Oh hey, I look like a bum

Oh hey, I look like a bum

I kinda hate it, I kinda love it

The person I am is usually not capable of ever being mean to people or being a “bitch”. I’ll admit I have my moments, but most of the time I just can’t because it will eat me away inside if I treat anyone badly. I feel bad if I lie to anyone, which is why I’m always trying to make sure I’m not because I just end up feeling like a horrible person when I do. I always feel like a horrible person with the little shit I do. I just try to make everyone happy, and when I can’t do that I feel terrible. It sucks being this kind of person because it allows people to walk all over me, but even when I realize this I won’t do anything about it because I just can’t. But I guess I kinda love being that type of person that is nice and loyal, all the time. I guess being this way has it’s pros and cons, right?

Time to cool off

Honestly every time I try to open up my feelings and tell you how I’m feeling you always turn everything on me and make it about you. YOU YOU YOU. Like this isn’t about you. It’s about me for once. And what I want you to fix. Nothing I ever say affects you. You never see the bigger picture or see anything from my point of view. All you see is everything from your view. It doesn’t work like that. Like what you don’t get is how much you hurt me. All you got out of that was that you think I’m going to go “do whatever this week. Go to parties or whatever” no homeboy, I’m studying and doing homework all week. Like do I ever go out? No. I don’t like doing that shit anymore. And honestly that’s what you cared about most out of everything I just said to you. Seriously grow up please because you’re stuck in child mode. Not everything is about you. You take me for granted and that’s what I was trying to tell you out of that entire message. But did you get that at all? No, you didn’t. I’m just, I can’t. I need to cool off.

Counting down the days

Counting down the days till I get to see my family. I don’t understand how people are so distant from their family. Like I’m so close with mine. They come before anyone. And I miss them so much, it’s unreal. I miss those late night talks I had with my dad. Talking about boys to talking about school to laughing about nothing. I miss those moments with my mom where I’d just dance on her in the kitchen and she’d just laugh. I miss my little sister coming in to my room to sleep with me. Or when my little brother would randomly hug me and told me he loves me. Or playing video games with my older brother till 2 in the morning. Like my family is so perfect in their own way. And I love that we have a bond that no one will ever break. I look up to everyone in my family. I love how my parents are so strong in every situation they are put into. I love how my little siblings put a smile on my face. I love how even when I don’t see my older brother or talk to him every day, I can share my deepest secrets with him. To my mom, dad, and siblings, you all are the most amazing human beings I’ve ever met in my life, and I’m lucky that to have you all. I love you guys. I’ll see you next week ❤️

Why.

Sometimes I just don’t even understand why I even deal with this. Don’t get me wrong I love you and all, but I really don’t deserve this right now.. Like what you told me tonight was complete bullshit. You’re constantly getting my hopes up then a few days later boom change of plans. Like wtf. Do I mean anything at all. Or do I come second to everyone and everything else. Because that’s literally how it always feels. I love you so much but I shouldn’t be treated this way. I told you to prove to me you’re sorry but this is definitely not the way to do it. Sometimes I’m like “forreals fuck you” hahahah. This week is our 6 months, my longest relationship ever, and I mean laugh at me for being excited but I was hoping to at least spend the weekend with you but no. Not anymore. I just have no energy to fight over this shit anymore because it’s just expected now. Sad, but true. Sorry, not sorry. Thanks for ruining my week homeboy. ✌️